A continuation of our discussion of John Gottman's research on success in marriage, this time focused on his scientific findings on how friendship operates in close relationships. We start by reviewing the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, throwing in some Nacho Libre and Adventure Time references for good measure. Then we delve into the 3 aspects of friendship: building love maps (something men - and sometimes women - fail to do on dates!), expressing fondness and admiration, and responding to each others' bids for connection.
Got Gottman Part 2: How to destroy your marriage, or other relationships - More on the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
A continuation of our discussion on John Gottman's research on the clear predictors of divorce (or other relationship failures), and what we can do to prevent it, and enjoy happy, sustainable relationships instead. We go into more detail on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Defensiveness, Disrespect and Contempt, and Stonewalling.
Got Gottman? Research on healthy marriages, and why it matters for you, Part 1: Horsemen of the Apocalypse
We have a lively discussion on John Gottman's findings from his famous "Love Labs", as presented in this excellent video. Frankly one of the most relationally-relevant discussions we've had yet (whatever one's marital status - these same dynamics exist in all types of relationships), we discuss Gottman's findings on positivity vs. negativity in a relationship, 3 of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse which strongly predict divorce, and how Masters and Disasters navigate them more and less constructively.
(apologies for occasional audio issues)
Probably the best episode we've recorded in 2020! We have a robust and lively discussion about M. Gawain Wells' article "Breaking Up Without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn't End in Marriage", which, despite being a bit of an old article, nevertheless contains a lot of key insights into the common red flags found in relationships, issues to be aware of, and ideas for moving on in a healthy way. We also discuss rejections, as well as the ways in which dating has changed since the time of the article's writing (apps, front-loaded "pre-dating", more complicated lives and expectations). Viviana joins us again to share many great insights, Bryce subconsciously smacks his lips loudly when figuring out what to say next, and Paul admits he didn't read the article but read many other relevant articles.
After so many setbacks - our own personal ones, as well as the world's - we're back, and with a new guest, Viviana, and a new perspective to include. Join us as we come out of the closet...as Latter-day Saints! This time, we discuss the rise of the "identity marriage", the decline of marriage rates, the state of single Latter-day Saints, false cultural beliefs, the importance of both agency and accountability. As a bonus, we get on a tangent about bankruptcy :-D
Rising from the ashes, Paul and Bryce are back! We talk briefly about Bryce's forearms, then delve into a lively discussion about Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life, particularly his first chapter on lobsters, success/defeat, serotonin, depression, and what we can do to stand up straight and confidently face and improve our circumstances.
Special guest Shayla joins us again to discuss how our own crap gets in the way of loving and being loved, and what we can do about it (emphasis on the do!). First, we again imagine what it's like to have the burden of being highly attractive people (and why their dating app profiles are so boring), Shayla confirms that women do, in fact, care a lot about men's physical attractiveness (but it carries relatively less weight overall than it does for men), and Bryce takes responsibility for his past poor dress and grooming (sorry, ladies! I look much better now :-D )
After that, we dive into the topic of how our internal obstacles, wounds, and general shortcomings play a significant role in our ability, or inability, to love others and be loved by them. We emphasize how real progress cannot be achieved without first taking responsibility for our entire role (the good as well as the bad) in our relationships and circumstances, and then honestly evaluating and doing something disciplined and productive to improve. We discuss how even people without severely traumatic experiences nevertheless have psychic wounds and emotional clutter which hinder our relationships (but can be healed and de-cluttered). Paul expresses the importance of being kinder to ourselves.
We also draw from the insights of Katherine Woodward Thomas in her book, Calling in the One, who describes the "solid sense of self" that prepares us to have healthy relationships, and our capacity (and responsibility) to craft and adjust our own mental constructs about our identities. Additionally, we discuss the practical advice offered in Jordan Peterson's video, Fix Yourself, related to having an honest dialogue with ourselves about our role - and positive potential! - in our circumstances.
Special guests Amber and Jessica join us for a jolly conversation about initiating in friendship and in dating. We learn a little bit about the Kardashian family, Jessica's favorite color (leopard print), the fundamentals of being engaging and inviting with pre-friends, the tragedy of mutual interest without initiative, and cultural norms about initiation (the US is more gender-egalitarian about initiation). We discuss research findings on the types of methods of initiation: not surprisingly, direct initiation is most effective, while waiting passively is least effective; men and women can be equally successful at initiating, but men generally prefer direct methods, while women generally favor indirect methods; teasing and joking tend to only lead to short-term flings; having resources comes across as attractive, while flaunting them can be a turn-off; being passive mostly only works for those who are "extremely attractive" (a trait that comes with big advantages AND big disadvantages). That and so much more!
#23 - The Two Human Languages: Logic and Feeling (or, how to not sabotage your communications with others)
We discuss a critical topic in human relationships: the two fundamental languages of logic and emotion, and how to speak the correct language at the right time. This time, we draw from Stephen Covey's excellent The Spiritual Roots of Human Relations as we delve into the intricacies of effective and ineffective human communication, how not to escalate conflicts with our communication, and especially how to recognize and empathize with the current emotional (or non-emotional) state of others.